I can’t remember when I ran out of meds, but whenever it was, they’ve finally all gone out of my system. Now the fun begins!

I noticed because I started sobbing uncontrollably last night for absolutely no reason. Seriously, I was lying in bed listening to Mu, and all of a sudden, I just started crying. while I’m crying, I’m thinking, “this is stupid; I don’t feel sad in the least.” Normally my psyche manages to dredge up some random sad thing for me to feel upset about, like my dead grandmother, or world hunger, or dead Kurt Cobain or anything remotely upsetting. After about 1/2 hour the self-loathing finally kicked in. It was kind of a relief actually, since blubbering like a little bitch feels exceptionally retarded if there’s not even a token “god, life sucks” behind it! It’s much more productive to be sad about nothing if there’s at least a “I’m the world’s biggest loser, but I don’t deserve to kill myself– my punishment for being this pathetic is to have to live this miserable life” kind of sentiment underlying the whole thing.

Luckily, I’m now in full-on Loser mode, and am contemplating who should hand me my Lifetime Underachievement Award– Raúl the Neighborhood Hobo, my sister’s ex-husband, or Kathi the Freak? I think I’m gonna vote for Check-ID-Guy– he’s this regular customer who’s a total condescending picky bastard– he asks questions about something just so he can tell you the answer at length, and then act like you’re an uncultured retard because you don’t know some esoteric fact like which one of the Allman Brothers near-fatally stubbed his toe at the 1977 show at That Place That No Longer Exists. He also, like millions of Americans who Now Regret It, wrote “Check ID” on the signature line of his credit card, thus forcing me to ask him for ID when ringing up his purchases. He usually makes some snotty remark along the lines of “you KNOW it’s me,” and then grabs the card out of my hand and leaves. I hate grabby people. I think my Lifetime Underachievement Award should definitely be presented by This Guy. Of course, in keeping with the award, I should probably not actually show up to the ceremony, having come down with a sudden, acute attack of apathy.