Eureka!
I figured out what’s bugging me about taking this new job. It’s that I’ll be less of a loser. I mean, I dont’ like doing things half-assed. working in a record store is the most clichéd Gen-X slacker job there is. The fact that I’ve been single forever, will probably never get laid again and worked in a record store always worked in my favor. I liked going to … say… Heather’s barbecues and meeting all her professional, happily coupled friends and have them explain exactly what their PhDs are in, and how tough it is to balance a mortgage and a career and blah blah blah and then say, “I’m 32. I work in a record store. I have a cat.”
Being a secretary is pretty lame, but it’s lame with a boring sort of potential. It looks like I’m trying. I hate that–it makes me look like even more of a loser than just being a loser. I know this makes no sense to you, but in my mind it does. It’s kind of stupid, I mean, I generally don’t give a shit what other people think, but it’s just that this job will not inspire the same awkward silence followed by the inevitable “well… that must be… a … um… a fun job.” I love that! I love disgusting yuppies! When I used to go through that painfully hideous exercise in torture and rejection called dating, I loved to play the loser wildcard to all these lame-ass computer programmers and accountants that had lots of money but no souls.
*sigh* I need to stop seeing people as my own personal sociology experiments. I say this a lot, but it’s true. being detached is kind of lame. I mean, come on– did I leave my Jerzy Kosinski phase when I got out of high school? Apparently not. I’m fast approaching my mid 30s– I need to stop seeing the world as an intrinsically fucked-up place full of people who are boring and/or misguided. I need a new frame of reference. Where can I get one? the Lobotomy clinic? the Electroshock Therapy Emporium? Wal-Mart? Definitely not from Smiths and Cure records. I need to find a different route from the last time I tried to find meaning in this stupid yet habit-forming existence. Maybe I should become a Scientologist or a Satanist or join a nifty cult. Preferably one where you get to wear cool hats. Can I become a Shriner, or do you have to be a dude? I just want to ride around in little cars!
