contact has been made

Wouldn’t that make a nice band name?
…And the winner of the grammy for Best Make-up in a previously recorded cereal commercial jingle goes to…

SNOWSUIT BONDAGE!!!

I like it. Every so often I feel the urge to look at my website statistics to see what Google searches brought wayward visitors to my humble blip on the Innernets. Usually it’s people looking for various types of porn, fisting, “analfisting” etc. because I used to type in the texts of the eloquent spams I would get on a daily basis. However, “snowsuit bondage” is a new one on me!

I need to do laundry. Seriously. OK, I know that’s boring, but that’s the whole point of blogs, isn’t it? To reveal the stupid, intimate details of your life because you can’t think of anything else to talk about? If I were still writing in my paper journal, I’d probably spend like 5 pages talking about how I need to do laundry so there.

In fact, let me find a really boring journal entry and reproduce it here, just because I’m bored and tghe movie I want to see doesn’t start for another hour and a half, and I doubt I’ll be able to stay awake that long.

here we go…

24 October 1993 (68 days and counting)

I cooked today, yes I cooked. really! I invented some vegetable cheese lasagna (I haven’t tasted it yet) and I made not one but 2 apple pies. I also carved a pumpkin. My day has just been full of activity!

Analysis: I had a nice day. I think the 68 day countdown was to my birthday. That entry was randomly selected, too– I didn’t search for a particularly boring one. I can’t wait until archaeologists dig up my 15 volumes of diaries in the conveniently cheap black and white composition books– they will be bored out of their skulls. I can see it now… and here is the life of a girl in her early twenties at the dawning of the -15th Space Era (that was known as the 3rd millennium back then). It seems that she… cooked something called a “lasagna.” I haven’t heard of that creature, I suppose they went extinct during the Great Martian wars of 2010.
Because I am procrastinating assembling the Holiday decorations I bought for the store today (it was my assignment– holiday-ify the store on Monday), I started to read my roommate’s Cosmopolitan magazine. I have deduced that the whole point of Cosmo is:

YOU WILL AUGMENT YOUR SOUL TO BE THE PERFECT WIFE, MORTAL FEMALE!

Here’s an example, in an article designed to help keep the “spice” in your romance. It’s entitled “What Smart Girlfriends Never Do.”

SIN 4 (wasn’t that a cut on the Second Pet shop Boys album?)
Baring All, All the Time

In an old Seinfeld episode, Jerry grumbles that his new girlfriend spends too much time in the nude. That seems like a strange complaint for a guy to make, but think about it: Few of us truly want to see a naked person squat to pick up a sock off the floor… or, for that matter, experience a coughing fit, strain while opening a pickle jar, or fix a bicycle.
Overexposure may anesthetize your man to how provocative your nude form is. So, make an effort to keep the vision of your unclothed body special. “I’d go as far as to say that nudity should be connected only to sex,” says Dr. Ablow (snicker, snicker– it’s OK for me to make fun of his name, he doesn’t work for my company). “Not to housework or to reading in bed but to sex alone. If you want it to remain erotic, I’d go even further and say there’s no need for your lover to see you getting dressed. Ever. Any time you lay your hands on a button, it should be to take your clothes off, not put them on. This imbues even your blouse with erotic energy. He sees your hand drift to your button, and he’s excited.”

What the unclefucking, crack smoking, holy mother of ass-raping Christ is “Dr. Ablow” on about? Oh I get it. We have to train our men like dogs to drool at the sight of us, because we must remain mysterious and alluring. Fuck that noise! People in other parts of the world go nekkid all the time, and you don’t see the populaion decreasing. Whatever. I thought the sight of a nekkid chick fixing a bike would be a welcome sight for a dude, but apparently they are fragile creatures and we must do everything within our power to see that they are made happy. Moving on…

SIN 6:

Dressing Down, Down, Down

“Once you’re a couple, it’s easy to fall into bed wearing sweats and an old tee shirt, says Dr. Ablow, “but it makes the bedroom a less magical place.” We want to believe that we’re so well loved, it doesn’t matter, he explains. The problem is that you can be very well loved and yet not remain sexually attractive to your partner. Maintaining allure requires a little extra work.
So get out a few of those teddies from your dating days or buy some new naughty surprises. Every night offers another opportunity to look, if not fantastic, at least a little special. Otherwise you’re sending the unspoken message that going to bed with him is just business as usual.
The next morning, don’t throw your sexy lingerie in the communal laundry. Lingerie is meant to be alluring and mysterious. If he finds your see-through nightgowns wrapped up in a ball with his sweatpants, it immediately becomes just another piece of fabric.

Oh my. Where to begin? Let’s see… no wonder I can’t get laid! I happen to habitually sleep in my birthday suit (this apartment is frequently 90 degrees or more). In men’s magazines are they telling dudes not to wear their ratty skid-marked underwear and ripped up Iron Maiden t-shirt to bed to they can retain their allure? Something tells me: no.

Moving on… Here’s a selectrion from the “Man Manual” (i.e., pictures of shirtless, obviously gay models smiling at the camera in various “natural” settings):

He Means What He Says

To figure out if he’s beingsincere, see if his expression matches what he’s saying. If he tells you, “I’d love to take you to may favorite breakfast joint,” he should look happy and eager. “The truth is expressed through the non-verbal, especially when it comes to guys,” explains Nelson. “You should always go with what his face is telling you, even if his words seem to suggest otherwise.”

TRANSLATION: it’s Ok for for guys to lie all the time. If you don’t realize that they’re just leading your on, you’re pretty stupid for not having read him correctly in the first place.

Ok, ok, looking at pictures of anorexic models with designer outfits that probably cost more than all the money I’ve ever spent on clothes in my life is getting pretty old. thank god I have a Mad Magazine I got at work. Some things never change– I will always take Mad over Cosmo any day, and if I ever choose the latter over the former, you can be certain that I have been replaced by an android double.