You may recognize this symbol:

It’s a cross, obviously. It’s a pretty plain, unadulterated cross. It is NOT, for example, like this one:

which may impress your Mëtäl-loving friends, nor is it like this:

which may score you some points with your D&D-playing goth friends. In short, plain old regular crosses are NOT COOL, unless you go to some kind of Christian school where they are probably “normal” and not “funky.”

In short, I would like you to close your eyes and think about this for a moment.
What would Jesus do?
What would Jesus do if he walked into a store and saw a small silver cross pendant for $4.99? Would He covet it? Probably not, since He died on a cross, and if, say, He were burned at the stake, He probably wouldn’t go around wearing a flaming toothpick around his neck but that’s beside the point. No, Jesus probably wouldn’t covet it because (a) he wasn’t into materialism, and (b) because of that pesky little thing called the 10th Commandment, which says “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass.” They mean that as an example, by the way, since obviously your neighbor’s ass isn’t hanging out in record shops in Boston.

What Would Jesus do? Would He pocket that cross, leaving the tag and the wrapper on the floor in front of the display? Most likely not, because old JC probably remembered this little thing: the 8th Commandment, which says, unequivically “Thou shalt not steal.”

So basically, by stealing all the cross necklaces in Newbury Comics, as well as a CD by Karen Clark Sheard, who is a freaking GOSPEL SINGER, you are breaking 2 Commandments and are going straight to hell. I hope you like the idea of, oh, ETERNAL DAMNATION for that one crappy little $4.99 piece of aluminum that’s not even remotely cool looking.

You make the Baby Jesus cry, douchebags.

Sincerely yours,
God