HULK SMASH!!!
The most fun thing about not being on the correct dosage of drugs isn’t that I end up bursting into tears at stupid inopportune moments for random dumb little reasons. No, the most fun thing is that I get hideously frustrated at the slightest little thing and feel compelled to throw it across the room. Today I came very close to kicking a very large plant over at work, because whoever had installed it had done a shit-ass job of securing it into the (too-large) planter and I was trying to work with the too few pieces of foam in order to better anchor it.
Basically, everything is pissing me off. The sound the Wales-flag shaped metal thing on my keychain makes when it smacks against the keys whenever I pick them up made me almost throw them across the yard. The movement of the pouch attached to my tool belt hitting my leg as I walk made me almost kick something. My nose has been alternately tickling/itching all day, which has caused me to almost rip my nose off my face.
So, today was not the day to attempt to break in my newish sewing machine. The stupid motherfucker won’t sew. It won’t go, as in the wheel won’t turn more than 1/2 turn so I can’t even see if it sews or not. Thus I punched it, knocking it over without injury, but messing up my right wrist once again. My stupid wrist will never heal. Not EVER. Whenever it stops hurting for a little bit, I always manage to fuck it up again somehow.
It will be nice when I can be properly medicated again. However, who the hell knows when that will be… my current supply of way-too-little-a-dose runs out in 3.5 days. I have a nice prescription waiting for me at the pharmacy, but it will cost $244 in order to pick it up thanks to my lack of insurance (it will take 2-4 weeks to see if I’m accepted into the Poor Person Program and by then my real insurance will have kicked in). So, do I further deplete my Vacation Fund to give myself some chemical peace of mind? Probably, since going cold turkey off the one remaining drug will probably screw me up more than ever (if that’s even possible). I’ve been having withdrawal side-effects from the other drug I had to go off of which are not pleasant for a couple of weeks now–I can’t even begin to describe the weird noises I hear and the way everything will shift to the left for a fraction of a second and it feels like my head is about to explode ( and those are just the most tangible differences)– and don’t really want to repeat the show. I get these mad, crazy feelings of insane frustration, and the only thing that will make it go away is to break something, throw stuff across the room, or bang my head really hard on something solid. Even then it only goes away for about 5 minutes or so. Of course then I just get frustrated again because my head hurts. I’m trapped in this state of ultimate frustration that I can’t escape from; and everything I do only makes it worse.
Who am I kidding? I’ll never go on vacation again. I’ve had this stupid fucking vacation fund for EIGHT YEARS and have I gone anywhere? No, the account is basically a safety net when I run out of cash and need to pay rent or something. yeah. In eight years I’ve managed to save up about $700. That’s so pathetic. I could maybe hitchhike to Hoboken on that.
I don’t even know how I feel about anything anymore. I have an overall layer of apathy towards everything, covered with an all-beef patty of despondence, iced with a nice layer of frustration. Everything is the same– I feel like sobbing uncontrollably for 3 minutes and then after that I just feel a big, fat :WHATEVER:. Getting dumped? Being broke? All the same, which is also exactly how I feel about missing the Simpsons last night as well as my opinion on the movie Charlotte Grey which I got from Netflix.
I was really disappointed that, even though Cate Blanchett is one of my very favorite actresses, I could probably fake a Scottish accent better than she can (or at least did in this movie)– it was weird, she sounded American. In fact, this movie should have been called People Badly Faking Accents– I don’t even know what Billy Crudup was supposed to sound like… French? Retarded? The whole language thing in this movie was confusing. It was about Charlotte Gray, this Scottish chick who gets picked to go do secret agent-y type stuff in France during WWII because she’s fluent in French. She’s supposed to pass herself off as a French person, but report back to the British spies or something. However, the entire movie was conducted in English (except for the token Nazis saying a few choice German phrases). Or, occasionally Franglish, as sometimes people would say, “Bonjour Madame” or something, and then start speaking English.
OK, I get that you can do movies about stuff taking place in one country in another language. That happens all the time. However, since language seemed to be important in this movie, couldn’t they have done something about it? I mean, like hold up a sign that said, “OK THEY’RE SPEAKING FRENCH NOW!” or had it in black & white like The Wizard of Oz? It got really confusing to figure out who was working for who, because everyone spoke English, so… were her contacts in France British spies, or were they French people who were collaborating with the British? It sounds like kind of a nit-picky squabble, but it really did make things confusing, especially since everyone’s fake accents sucked balls.
Anyway… what was I bitching about? Oh yeah, the state of my brain chemistry. It sucks. I need money.
At the end of the day, that’s pretty much what every entry on this stupid blog is about anyway (unless I’m busy outing myself as a terrorist, obviously). I should just get a template, or just write
YEAH MORE OF THE SAME.
