I’ m on hold with the IRS because I was supposed to get my “stimulus payment” a month ago, and it never got here. I personally think the whole stimulus payment thing is an elaborate hoax. I’ve been given a whole slew of toll-free numbers, all of which seem to be either endless recordings with no hope of speaking to a customer representative (there isn’t even an option), or else the call cuts out, or when you call it’s just loud static.

I’ve finally gotten to a place where I’m on hold supposedly waiting to talk to someone. They’re playing the Waltz of the Flowers from The Nutcracker Suite, which is a classy touch. I suppose getting free money in the mail is kind of like Christmas…

According to the IRS website, which every calm woman’s voice instructs you to visit, my refund, if I requested Direct Deposit (which I did), should have gone through on May 1st. According to another automated voice, my check was mailed on May 16. Either way, it’s June 17; I should have gotten SOMETHING, right?

Of course in the midst of all of this, I feel like a total douche, since this is a free present from the gubmin’– it’s not like I’m *entitled* to it or anything, yet here I am demanding to know where it is and stuff. Oh well, it’s all an elaborate plot to get people to stop hating Dubya so much anyway. I don’t know anyone who actually got any kizzash from Uncle Sam; I guess it’s a nice symbolic move.

But then, I realized that I’m an administrative sink-hole. Anything that can possibly go wrong with any account of mine administratively will. Take for example graduating from college… they lost my transcripts (all 3 of them), had me drop out because I didn’t have enough credits (thanks to the lost transcripts), thus making it take 3 years from the time I stopped attending school until I actually graduated. That’s a big one– there are plenty of little day-to-day examples of things.

Here’s a rundown of money I owe because someone screwed up and I can’t prove it:

1. The Unemployment office thinks I owe them $1300 because they sent me checks when I didn’t deserve them because I later lost at my hearing (this is when I got fired from Harvard 4 years ago). However, I only received one check for $300 which I NEVER CASHED. In order to track checks, you have to go through a whole other office and fill out like 100 forms (which I’ve done to no avail), which doesn’t make any difference, since the two departments don’t ever share information anyway.
2. The City of Brookline thinks I owe them $110 for parking tickets– they towed my car when I was seeing a !!! show at the Paradise. I went to the Police office and paid them the ticket fee as well as the bail to spring my car out of bondage, and then paid the $100 towing fee to the towing company (which was conveniently located 10 miles away in Watertown in the middle of a public transportation-free zone). I even remember the officer that took care of all of this: her name was Kaylee, I only remember this because I remember thinking that being booked by Officer Kaylee must be really embarrassing if you are trying to maintain an badass image. I think the only way her name could be less-threatening is if it were Meghan or Katie or Jen.
3. The Cambridge Health Alliance thinks I owe them $20 for a co-pay that I know I paid. I always paid when I went there because you really don’t have a choice. In fact, there’s a sign that says, “ALL CO-PAYS MUST BE MADE AT TIME OF VISIT” in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Haitian Creole, Vietnamese, Korean and what I presume is Khmer or Thai or something.
4. Discover Card is billing me for $15 worth of credit card protection for a credit card I never even activated. In fact, I think I actually canceled the card several months ago. I remember talking to some Indian dude on a really staticky line, anyway. I thought the outcome of that conversation was that the card got canceled, but apparently not?

I realize how many numbers I am known by– I have a Social Security number, 2 bank account numbers, a student loan ID, IDs for car insurance and health insurance (well, supposing I ever actually get it) and a Drivers’ License #. We exist today only as much as computers tell us we can.

I also realized that I not only live in the city of Cambridge in the state of Massachusetts in the United States of America, but I am in a county, township, school district, a sewer district, 5 different voting districts (2 federal, 2 state, local), a water district, you name it. I think back to Laura Ingalls Wilder, and how she had one name, and lived in a city, state, and country. Sometimes, where she lived wasn’t technically even a state yet. Things have become a zillion times more complicated in that 150 years since she was born; it’s kind of mind-boggling. However, how much better off are we? For every technological advance someone comes up with to make life easier, there are 100 people screwing it up so that it’s causing more complications, which then you have to find solutions for. It’s never-ending, and I am one of millions who every day fall through the cracks. I’m an official Crack-Faller. Maybe I should start a support group or something.

Oh look, my call cannot be taken today due to high call volume! I should call back on the next business day between 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. What a surprise.